A Preface

“Have you had your meal?”

Whenever we met, Leslie asked me like that. Though I know it is a set phrase for Hong Kong people, the phrase, which Leslie would use, still makes my heart full of emotion. I could say the phrase gives me the actual feeling for me that Leslie was certainly living in this world in those days.

The early autumn in 1998, I met Leslie for the first time. He came to the coffee shop in Hotel Conrad, which is one of the exclusive hotels in Hong Kong Island, at the appointed time. I cannot forget his eyes when we met each other.

He said, “Nice to meet you!” extending his hand out for a handshake, while his eyes were staring at me without blinking. I felt the eyes were very cold and sharp, as if he were tying to see through me and check who I am. Then suddenly a calm and carefree smile appeared on his face and asked me “Have you had your meal?” It was after seven in the evening and I had already had an early supper with my staff. When I said so, he looked at me with a bit of disappointed expression. Then he said “I am starved! May I have supper?” He called a waiter and ordered a chicken curry. He asked me a lot of questions one after another, such as “When did you come to Hong Kong? Yesterday? The day before yesterday?” “Which airline did you use?” Was the flight OK?” “Which hotel are you staying?”” Did you sleep well last night?”” How many times have you come to Hong Kong?”” Did you go up to the Peak?” and so on. So I answered those questions.

When the chicken curry was served, his eyes lit up and he started eating happily. In spite of his gentle feature, he ate the dish in a very manly manner and it made me smile.

Whenever I think of Leslie, what come to my mind first are the restaurants where we went and the dishes we ate. When he was eating delicious dishes, he looked happy and talked a lot.

Sometimes his English was too fast for me to follow. Regardless of my irresponsible answers, he kept speaking like a machine-gun! Even if I could not understand what he said, I was happy to see his attractive expression and gestures which represented his feeling very well.

I couldn’t imagine that Leslie, such a beloved character who is born to be loved by everybody, had such a deep darkness inside, which led him to end his life by himself.

I knew about his death during my journey. When I heard it, I could not believe it or I didn’t want to believe it. I thought this must be a bad dream.

However as the time goes by, now I am beginning to think that it was one of the possible way Leslie ended his life. And again my heart was filled with the helpless sadness that he has left all of us in that way.

Though he was already in his forties when I first met him, he looked so young and lively that he looked as if he were in his twenties and stayed a forever youth who left the aging somewhere. Whenever I met him, I could not imagine the figure of his senior age. I would think ”I wonder if the day will really come when this young man appear as an old man in front of us.” I felt somehow that the aging, which comes to everybody, couldn’t catch Leslie. It was very strange feeling. Now my feeling came true and Leslie has disappeared in front of us and will remain in our minds as a forever youth.

As if he were a wounded wild animal, he was gone alone by himself. Now nobody can see forever what kind of agony he had had under his lovable smile.

I might say it is just like him to put a period to his life in such a way.

Generally, Leslie was open and honest and his gentle smile made the people around him cheer up. He was a born star who was always outstanding and shining. On the other hand he tended to be misunderstood because of his complete honesty, which made him too vulnerable to survive the show business world where so many evil spirits are living. He was very delicate and sensitive. He also couldn’t leave things to others and wanted to do everything by himself. So when things didn’t turn out to be what he wishes, he was so irritated that his tense atmosphere kept others on their toes. He seemed to be irritated by himself because he could not be content with the situation with which ordinary person would be content with or because he couldn’t know how to handle his feeling. At that time Leslie looked so lonely and nihilistic that no one dares to approach him, which was very hard for me to see. How many times have I thought, “If he were more impudent and insensitive, Leslie would feel easier!”

Anyway such a nature made him Leslie. And he had an atmosphere which gave us a vague unrest for his future.

Well I talked too much unnecessary things. I am not going to look for the cause of his death. I don’t think I can do such a thing at all. Leslie and I are not very close friends. We worked together to publish 2 of his photo books. So we met several times both in Hong Kong and in Tokyo, exchanged mails and gradually we came to confide in each other on our private things. That is all. The distance between Hong Kong and Tokyo was just our mental distance, I think. So I have been thinking for a long time whether I might be a right person to write about him or not. There are many people who know Leslie much more than I in Hong Kong and Japan. My image of Leslie might be very partial or wrong. If those who know him very well should read my book, he (or she) would think this is nonsense!

Meanwhile I got a lot of letters from Leslie fans who asked me to write a book about Leslie’s memories. Then I began to think I might be an appropriate person. I know something about him but not too much. If the person was very close to Leslie, such as family or co- workers, it would be very difficult to write a book about him. As a person above acquaintance and below a close friend, I could be the one who can write about Leslie Cheung.

Once I hit on this idea, a lot of memories came back to me, his features and his words. I was surprised that my heart was filled with so many of his memories. And I realized that I had a lot of things to tell. There are too many things to write. However I will try to describe the fact, what I saw, the situation, what he said or did through the observer’s eyes without my feeling as much as possible. Therefore this book will be what Leslie was, the true Leslie through my eyes.
In order to respect his words, “I don’t care whatever they write about me, but I definitely want to protect my family and friends!” I carefully avoid the topics which might bother his family or friends.

There is one more thing I should make an excuse. I had never thought I would write a book about Leslie, so as for the dates, the places or details, I totally depend on my memories. There might be some mistakes.

I began to write this book in the middle of September. Time flies, and it is 6 months since Leslie passed away. I had tried to avoid thinking about him for 6 months. Though I thought I could manage my feelings I could not help shedding tears on the first few lines and the tears never stopped while writing. I wonder when I can finish this book, but I will try to do my best with the precious memories. I believe that Leslie in my heart will always help me!
The author, Chitose Shima